


wish i was her

by sunshinetozier



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Conan Gray Song, Eddie is jealous, M/M, alcohol mention, but not the ending you might think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:00:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26133868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinetozier/pseuds/sunshinetozier
Summary: He was in love with Richie Tozier, his straight best friend. What a cliche, right?
Relationships: Beverly Marsh/Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Stanley Uris, Patty Blum/Audra Phillips (mentioned), Stan Uris/Patty Blum (mentioned)
Kudos: 19





	wish i was her

**Author's Note:**

> yall r gays i know you've heard heather by conan gray i don't have to tell u to listen to it

_I still remember third of December, me in your sweater._

Eddie remembered that chilly December afternoon vividly. Eddie had convinced his mom to let him stay the night at Richie’s house the day before, and they were walking home when it happened. Eddie had stupidly forgotten his coat in his locker and it was too late to go back and grab it. He had his arms wrapped around himself for warmth as he shivered. Richie had noticed and took his sweater off, holding it out for Eddie to take. 

“Here, you’ve gotta be cold,” Richie told him. Eddie shook his head. “You’ll be cold without it,” Eddie explained. “It’s not that far of a walk and you’re freezing already, Eds,” Richie told him with a laugh. “Don’t call me, Eds.” Eddie was freezing so he took it and put it on over his head. “Whatever you say, Eddie Spaghetti.”

_You said it looked better on me than it did you._

During every sleepover, since they were in diapers, Richie and Eddie slept in the same bed. But to Eddie, this time had felt different. Sleeping in the same bed as him while still wearing the sweater Richie had gave him, it felt new. Almost romantic. But it wasn’t romantic and couldn’t be. Richie was straight and Eddie wasn’t. Simple as that.

That morning, Eddie tried to give Richie the sweater back. “Nah, Eds. Just keep it. Looks better on you than it does on me anyway.” Richie shrugged him off as he was picking clothes for the day out of his closet. There it was again, the almost romantic feeling. “I grew out of that in freshman year.” He’d added. Freshman year was when Richie had gotten his growth spurt. Shot up from the 5”7 boy Eddie had known his entire life into the 6”4 man he was today.

Thinking back, Richie was completely different now. Despite his growth spurt, practically everything else had changed about him. He’d switched out his huge glasses for contacts, only wearing his glasses at night, a sight that Eddie was one of the few people to ever see. He switched out his loud bright button-ups for stupid graphic tees he’d found at the thrift shop in Bangor and his dad’s old leather jacket. Everyone at school swore he never took it off, as they’d never seen him without it. Eddie had, though. 

One thing had stayed the same, though. His personality. From just seeing him, you wouldn’t guess that it was Richie Tozier from eight grade, the one who’d gotten his nose broken for making a ‘your mom’ joke to the infamous school bully. But once he opened his mouth, you would be able to immediately tell. “Trashmouth Tozier”, they’d dubbed him. He lived up to the name. 

_Only if you knew how much I liked you._

Eddie Kaspbrak has always had a warped sense of love. He’d like to attribute that to his mother, but some of it came from elsewhere too. As a closeted gay man, he’d heard that people like him should be ashamed to love who they do. So, he was. He’d been ashamed of being in love with men until it was too late. By the time he was ready to admit who he loved, he’d lost his chance to do anything about it.

It was too late because he realized he loved a specific man. He was in love with Richie Tozier, his straight best friend. What a cliche, right? He’d known for a few years now and knew he was only setting himself up to get himself heartbroken. It hadn’t been too big of an issue until now, though. 

_But I watch your eyes, as she walks by._

Richie was walking to class with Eddie but froze in the middle of the hallway. “Rich, what’re you doing? We’re gonna be late to class, dude.” Eddie noted when he’d seen Richie stopped. “Her. Who’s she?” Richie asked. That’s when Eddie’s heart begin to shatter. “Her? She’s new, I think. Betty was talking about her last period.” Eddie explained. “Do you know her name?” Richie asked. “I don’t, Betty just called her the new girl. Ask around or something. Now, seriously. We’re going to be late, man.” Eddie groaned. Richie just nodded and started walking, continuing to stare at New Girl until she was out of sight.

_What a sight for sore eyes brighter than a blue sky._

New Girl, or Bev as Eddie had learned, sat with them at lunch the next day. Eddie decided he didn’t like her right then. Richie had given up his spot next to Eddie for one next to Bev. Eddie was also jealous because she was fucking amazing for Richie. She had bright red hair, she said it was naturally red but she dyed it the firetruck red because she thought it looked cooler. She even offered to help Richie dye his hair, something he’d always wanted to do. Eddie’s mom would kill him if he even thought about hair dye. 

She also had her nose pierced, which she’d done herself. Richie asked if she’d do it to him, and of course, she said yes. She was from Portland and seemed ecstatic to find that Richie went to Bangor Thrift too. They planned a trip to go to the store that weekend. Eddie guessed that Richie had forgotten the plans they’d made last week to go to the Aladdin that day. 

_She's got you mesmerized while I die._

“She’s amazing, Eds,” Richie told Eddie through the phone. Bev and Richie had just gotten home from Bangor and Richie had been dying to tell Eddie all about it. “Do you think it was a date? I couldn’t tell,” Richie explained. Eddie’s heart broke even more at the question. Man up, Kaspbrak, you knew this was bound to happen eventually. “I don’t know, Richie, maybe ask her,” Eddie answered. 

“Damn, Eddie, what crawled up your ass and died?” Richie asked with a laugh. “Nothing, man, sorry. Mom shit, you know how it is.” Eddie lied. Technically, it wasn’t a lie. Sonia had been acting like a bitch, but not too out-of-the-ordinary. He needed to be more subtle before Richie realized what was actually wrong. 

_Why would you ever kiss me?_

It was a date, Eddie found. He also found that they must have talked about it. At least he hoped so because on the Monday after their Saturday date, they were making out at the lunch table. Eddie tried to ignore it and eat the salad his mom had packed, which was lettuce and a single cherry tomato, but he couldn’t get it out of his line of sight. Or the line of his hearing. 

Stupidly, Eddie wished it was him. He knew it was impossible, but he couldn’t get the idea of Richie’s lips pressed against his out of his head. Richie would never even want to kiss him. But still, as he heard Bev and Richie’s lips smacking, he only wished he could be in her place.

_I'm not even half as pretty._

Sometimes, late at night when Eddie couldn’t sleep, he’d compare himself to Bev. He was boring in comparison. His bland brown hair didn’t stand a chance against her brightly colored hair. His brown eyes were nothing to her sky blue ones. His personality didn’t compare either. She was energetic, punk, and Richie’s perfect match. Eddie was calmed, boring, and fought with him daily. 

Richie and Bev had everything in common while most people didn’t even understand how Eddie had even become Richie’s friend in the first place. Sometimes Eddie felt that way too, he didn’t understand why Richie even kept him around. He couldn’t help the comparisons as they became more constant, and suddenly he was doing it every time he saw Bev.

_You gave her your sweater. It's just polyester, but you like her better._

It was early spring now, and Bev and Richie were still going strong. Richie had invited Eddie to tag along with them to the park, for whatever reason. A large gust of wind came as they sat down in the grass, and then Richie had done it. He’d broken Eddie’s heart into a million pieces and then broke those pieces. He’d offered Bev his sweater. That moment, the day in December was all Eddie was holding onto. And now Richie had gone and offered it to Bev. It was the same sweater. At their last sleepover, which was months ago now, Eddie had slipped it into Richie’s hamper. He couldn’t keep it now. Now that Beverly was in the picture.

‘It’s just a sweater,’ Eddie told himself. He knew that, he did, but that did make it hurt any less. It had finally solidified it for Eddie, that Richie would never love him. At least not in the way that he loved Bev. He loved her more, in every way possible. Bev had replaced Eddie as Richie’s best friend, they did everything together. This was the first time he’d seen Richie in a month. They’d talked on the phone once or twice, but he hadn’t even seen Richie at school.

_Wish I were Heather._

It was almost June now, and they were about to graduate. Richie and Bev had both gotten into UCLA, but Eddie hadn’t even applied. He lied and told them he did, but he couldn’t deal with the pain he’d been feeling all year for another four years. Instead, he’d applied to NYU and he’d gotten accepted. They were disappointed when they found out Eddie was going to school across the country but ecstatic when they found out they were going to the same school as each other.

He wished he could be like Bev, Richie’s perfect match and probably his high school sweetheart. He wished he had bright red hair, a nose ring. He wished he shopped at thrift stores. He wished he was allowed to spend all hours of the night out with his boyfriend. HE wished he had a boyfriend. He wished his boyfriend was Richie. He wished he could be Bev.

_Watch as she stands, with her holding your hand. Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder._

Eddie didn’t even want to go to prom. Richie and Bev had insisted he did, though. He didn’t have a date, which was even sadder. Richie’s mom took pictures of the three of them and had them printed out a few days after. Eddie took them to college but he threw them out his first week. His roommate Stan helped him cut Bev and Richie out. Stan had gone to his prom too, but it was even more awkward then Eddie’s situation. Stan didn’t ask why Eddie was cutting them out of the photo, instead explaining his senior prom. He went with his ex-girlfriend Patty and Patty’s girlfriend, Audra. 

Stan cut himself out of the photo he’d taken with Patty and Audra and taped the two cutouts together. They tossed out the scraps, the sections of the photos with the couples in them. Stan had laughed and told Eddie that they were cold for doing that and Eddie just laughed with him. Eddie liked Stan a little more aft that day.

_But how could I hate her? She's such an angel._

One night during Eddie’s freshman year of college, he’d gotten drunk in his dorm and cried. Stan had been out late at the library that evening and came home in the middle of his sobbing. When Stna saw it, he took Eddie into his arms. “What’s wrong, Eddie?” Stan asked softly, comfortingly. “I’m so stupid.” Eddie cried out. “No, you aren’t. What happened?” Stan told him, petting Eddie’s hair to soothe him.

“Bev called. Said I need to come down to LA sometime.” Eddie explained. “Oh, honey.” Stan frowned. He knew Eddie had feelings for Richie, but not to this extent. “She was so sweet! I hate that I hate her, she’s so nice.” Eddie sobbed, melting into Stan’s arms as he broke down. “I know, Eddie, I know,” Stan replied.

_But then again, kinda wish she were dead._

Eddie only mentioned Richie when he was drunk, Stan found. It was the first day of their sophomore year, they’d requested to be roommates again, and they’d started drinking to celebrate the new school year. “I went to see Richie over the summer,” Eddie admitted when he was about five drinks in. “What? Eddie, I told you that you shouldn’t.” Stan replied. Richie had invited Eddie out before they had to leave the dorms, and Stan had said it was a bad idea.

“I didn’t stay for long. Only a day.” Eddie explained. “Why?” Stan asked. If he was remembering correctly, Richie’s invite had been for a few weeks. “I realized that I wanted Bev dead.” Eddie deadpanned before taking a sip from his glass. “Eddie…” Stan gave his signature disappointed frown. “I know. It’s stupid, but they moved in together. Bev wasn’t home the day I got there, but she got back the next day and I said my goodbyes and left.”

_As she walks by, what a sight for sore eyes._

Stan and Eddie had finally admitted their feelings for each other in their final year of college, their friends glad that they’d done it as they’d started to get worried it might never happen. They moved in together after they graduated. Ten years later, Eddie had gotten an invitation in the mail. It was for Mr and Soon-To-Be Mrs Tozier’s wedding. Richie Tozier, god, Eddie hadn’t thought about him in years. He’d RSVP’d of course, and put his newly fiancee Stan down as his plus one.

He thought he was prepared for it, but when he’d arrived at the hotel and saw Richie in the lobby, he was overwhelmed by the many different emotions he felt. “Holy shit! Eddie Spaghetti Kaspbrak, is that you?” Richie exclaimed when he saw Eddie. Stan shot a confused look Eddie’s way at the nickname as he crossed his arms, Eddie just shrugging in return. 

“Woah! Who’s this tall glass of water?” Richie asked, glancing at Stan. “Stanley Uris. That’s Eddie’s last name too, by the way. Not Kaspbrak.” Stan introduced and stuck his left hand out for Richie to shake, definitely not attempting to show off his ring. “Uris? No way, Eddie you got married before I did?” Richie commented as he shook Stan’s hand. “Well, I did.” Eddie shrugged again, looking at Stan quickly. They’d never discussed last names since the proposal. Then he saw Bev exit the elevator. “Well, there’s the Missus, I should get going. I’ll catch you two later.” Richie said. And with that, Richie had walked off.


End file.
